Welcome 2010

It really is amazing how it feels when December 31 turns into January 1.  They are just days on the calendar, but the fact that this particular date marks a new year seems to throw everyone into new goals, new ideas, new motivations, new, new, new!   Does anyone feel quite this way at the start of a new week?  A new month?  It's just something about this designation of year.  As much as I can rationalize that it doesn't really make a whole lot of sense, I am right there with everyone else.  As 2009 wound down, I found myself seeking newness in everything.  I had this intense desire to purge the old and clean the clutter - in my house, in my life, in my mind.

In retrospect, I can look back at 2009 and it seems like a very full year.  There are many things that happened that seem like they surely had to have occured more than 12 months ago.  I have heard many bemoan the heartbreak that 2009 brought for them, and for some, it was truly heartbreaking.  Many endured broken marriages, lost loved ones, financial hardships and the like. 

I think 2009 was an amazingly, glorious year.

That's not to say that it was all sunshine and roses.  I learned a lot about myself in 2009.  I grew so much stronger in my relationship with Christ, and I think I "found my groove" with God, if that makes sense.  I feel lost if I'm not talking to Him every day, and I like to keep this kind of ongoing dialogue with him.  "God give me patience.  God, please heal Noah.  God, please protect Mom and Dad as they drive down here.  God, thank you for blessing us so abundantly.  God, thank you for my wonderful friends, new and old.  God be with my friend that is hurting so badly today.  God, please be with my cousins afar that miss and need their family so much.  God, help me to make the right decision.  God, help me to be a good wife.  God, help me to be a good mommy.  God help me."

I also learned a lot of things about me that I knew, but hadn't accepted.  So, I guess the biggest thing I learned is the need for accepting and taking responsibility for my faults.  We all have them.  I just need to embrace mine in order to overcome them. 

I'm a control freak.  I want to have control.  I want to be IN control of everything, all the time.  After Eve ate the fruit off of the tree of good and evil, God cursed her and said, "...And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you (Gen 3:16).  I feel that curse.  Not just desiring to control Kevin, but to be in control of all the situations around me.  It's a struggle to let go.  It's a struggle to give up that control and give it over to God.  In 2009 I accepted this, and I'm working to give up control in many areas of my life.

I have a quick and intense temper that is further fueled by my lack of patience.  It's a terrible fault of mine, and unfortunately, the Two Tykes and the Princess are often on the receiving end of my rants.  It's painful at the end of the day to think that I've spent time yelling at them or pushing them to scurry or hurry because of my lack of patience.  I've cried many hot tears at night, looking back over the day's events and seeing where I could have cooled my own heels a little bit and enjoyed these 3 amazing gifts that God has given me.  I have kicked myself reviewing in my mind where I disciplined when maybe I should have let it go.  I've felt so small when I recall a moment that I snapped at Kevin or talked to him with disrespect because I was hurried or impatiently trying to return to work.  This takes away the peace and joy in our home when my impatience and anger rip through the house like a freight train.  I've learned to accept that it is because of my example that Samuel is quick tempered and Jacob can be hot-headed.  Now that I've accepted it, I need to give it up, and let God take care of it.  I can't do it without Him.

I've also learned to love my husband more.  We've had tough times.  We've had hard times in 2009, before 2009 and I'm sure we'll have hard times again.  But this year, I learned that I love and adore this man so much more than I ever imagined possible.  I learned to be thankful for his kind heart and generous spirit and to strive to use his example in the way I treat others.  I have learned that my love and respect for him makes me a stronger person.  I learned that my kids are always watching, and if I can show my daughter how to love her husband, and show my sons how their wives should love them, I will pass on a legacy of love that cannot be torn down.  I am learning that my husband loves and adores me as much as I love him.  I am learning to be thankful for his adoration, his affection, his attention and his gracious giving.  I knew, but actually accepted, that I am a very lucky woman to have been given this amazing gift.  I learned that Kevin is a gift from God more so than anything else in my life. 

I'll post a fun and frisky look at 2009 for the Two Tykes and the Princess later.  For now, I want to immerse myself in all of the hope that 2010 has to offer.  Everything new remains on my mind.  I'm going to read the One Year Bible this year, and while I have read the Bible, and believe I have, in my life, read the entire Bible, I am going to do it, with certainty, this year.  At the beginning of 2011, I want to say that as amazing as 2009 was, 2010 was even better.  I want to be able to say that my marriage is stronger, my walk with God is stronger, I am a better mom, a better wife and my home is peaceful because I learned how to be more patient and control my temper. 

2010 is going ot be a great year.  I can feel it.  I'm purging the old.  I'm ready for the new.